Ascention
by Lukitene
Summary: Oneshot. Remus writes a letter to the dead Sirius. RS


A/N: None of the characters or places mentioned in this story belongs to me; they are all the property of J. K. Rowling and Bloomsbury. The italic text is a wonderful poem by Colleen Corah Hitchcock, and the title is taken from the same poem. No profit is being made of this story, and no copyright is intended.

Ascension

Dear Sirius,

We buried you last week. Not a proper burial, with a body being sunk down into the ground, sending a loved one to his final resting place. There were been no body, no coffin at all. All that was done, all that could be done, in this service had been to gather around a tomb; a cold and empty tomb. Nothing worthy of you, nothing worthy of Sirius Black.

_And if I go,  
_

I didn't want to go at all; didn't want to say a final goodbye to someone who has meant so much to me over the years as you have. I showed up, of course. There was no possible way to avoid coming without getting people to wonder about my reasons for doing so. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause worry and curiosity. You don't deserve to be treated like that. But there was still a small part of me who would rather have been sitting alone in the dark than out there on the cold graveyard.

_While you're still here... _

Harry spoke so wonderfully about all the traits you possessed, telling about fond memories and happy times, or as happy as the times ever were after he got to know his godfather. He spoke about the bond he had felt to you, and how he wished it could have lasted longer. He told us he was glad he ever got to know you; saying that he had loved you as something between a father and a brother. It was so beautiful; he almost made me cry.

_Know that I live on,_

I had prepared a good speech to read at your funeral; you would have said it was just like me to write and plan in good time, as I have always done. It was the second hardest thing I ever did; there were so many memories, so many moments that I wanted to share with the world, but telling them about it just didn't feel right. Seconds before making the speech, I realised why I didn't want to share our good times with them; I just wanted to share one good time, just one of the many, with you one last time before saying goodbye. Knowing it can never happen still tears me apart.

The hardest thing I've ever done was to walk up to your empty tomb and see your name engraved in the stone. It made me realise that I would never again see you wake up in the morning, never again hear you laugh about how protectively I treat my books, never again watch you sleep after a hard day of work and worrying. I knew that before going to your funeral; at least, my brain knew it. Seeing the stone just made it so real, so final. I could barely keep myself from howling out in sorrow.

_vibrating to a different measure_

For the first time in my life, I told everyone how much I really cared for you. I couldn't keep the tears from running down my cheeks when I told them how much I loved you, told them about us. There are so many things you should have done, Sirius. You should have been there, by my side, when Harry got to know we were engaged. You should have been there, holding my hand, when I told the world how much I loved you, how much I still love you. We should have done so many things together, but we never found the proper time to do it, always postponed it to the distant future, waiting for a better time to tell the people we loved about us being more than just best friends. We never did any of the things normal couples do, and now it's too late.

_-- behind a thin veil you cannot see through.  
_

Tonks was there as well, holding my hand again and comforting me as best she could. She was trying so hard to ease my suffering, but she doesn't understand why I am in so much pain. Nobody really understands that you were the love of my life, least of all Tonks. She wants me to love her, she has told me so, and I secretly wish that it would be that easy. It isn't; I'm still hopelessly in love with you. I don't know what to do; you were always the one I turned to the few times I had problems with girls. I just know that I don't want her to feel even a fraction of what I am feeling right now. I wish she could have chosen someone else, I truly do, but I don't want to break her heart.

_You will not see me,_

I keep catching myself remembering all the small things we used to do, like the way you would bring me chocolate the day after my transformations. The way you used to put your arm around my shoulder when walking the halls of Hogwarts before I knew about your feelings for me; the brush of your hand against my chest would make my heart jump and break at the same time, thinking you would never feel about me as I felt about you. The way I would, as casually as possible, lean closer to you during classes or any other time of the day, just so I could feel the heat of your breath and your body close to mine. The way we both gave in at the same time, and the way our noses collided in our first clumsy kiss. The way I started to sneak over to your bed, you casting Silencing Charms on the curtains so nobody would hear us, moaning each others names into the night. The way we sneaked around the castle so nobody would suspect us for being more than just friends. The way I longed for you in that awfully long summer vacation we were apart, and the way you greeted me when I came to stay at the Potter's house for the last week of it. The way my heart would ace every time I had to pretend not to love you, and the way it would shatter every time you pretended not to love me.

I can recall the day James walked in on us as if it was yesterday. I was certain he knew about you and me being more than just friends; either, you would have told him about it, or he would just have understood it by the way we were acting around him. The look on his face when he found us in your bed, half-naked and kissing each other passionately, will never leave my memory. He ran out of the dormitory before we had any chance to explain anything, and didn't come back in over an hour. Being the nice person he always was, he understood and accepted us as soon as we got to talk to him; we were just as much a couple as he and Lily became. I miss him; I miss them both, almost as much as I miss you.

Did you ever think of our first kiss in public? It was in James' and Lily's wedding. Everything was wonderful; it felt like a day taken out of some other time, a time when there was no war, no terror and no deaths, only hope, peace and love. Everybody was busy fretting over the newlyweds, and nobody noticed us in the darkest corner of the room, unable to keep ourselves from snogging. Nobody but Lily, that was. She was so happy for me, she said. Her acceptance of you and me as a couple meant a lot to me.

_so you must have faith._

I always tried to keep you out of trouble, you and James and Peter. It never went well; you always did what you had planned to do no matter what I said. But why didn't you listen to Dumbledore? I keep thinking that if you had, you would still be here with me, in stead of leaving me alone once more. I know that I'm being selfish, but I can't help it. If you had just stayed at Grimmaulds Place, safely out of danger, I wouldn't be sleeping alone every night. You could still have been here with me, but it's too late for that now.

Maybe it's better this way. You were never happy about being trapped in your childhood home once more, unable to leave the house, not even for taking a breath of fresh air. I should have realised how miserable it made you feel; you could never stand being kept on the sideline of the action.

_I wait for the time when we can soar together again,_

The house is so quiet these days. In a world full of mayhem and misery, my home is silent. Silent as the grave. One would believe that I would appreciate the calmness of it; having somewhere to sit down and be by myself was always so important to me, as you very well know and have teased me about more times that I can remember. The only problem about it is that I don't want it to be quiet. I want you to be here, singing and laughing and fighting with me, just like we used to do.

I have started to catch myself hearing your voice everywhere. Just a whisper, every now and then, so low I can't hear what you are saying. I know it is insane, and I know it's only my imagination, but my heart jumps every time I think I hear something. I haven't told anyone about this; they will think me to be insane, and there will come nothing good from it.

_both aware of each other._

I don't know if I have been able to keep my sanity after you died. You used to drive me crazy with your talk and pranks, but it seems to me now to have been the things that kept me going, through the loss of James and Lily and through the much deeper and more hurtful loss of Peter. The only loss your humour and wits never helped me with, was when you were put in Azkaban.

And now, everything is so much worse. When you were sent to prison, I had a small hope for you to be proven innocent, to be sent back to me. Now, even the slightest hope of any reunion is impossible. The only way I'll ever get to meet you again, is in death. I can't die; Harry needs me too much. But I sometimes catch myself hoping not to wake up from my sleep.

_Until then, live your life to its fullest_

On top of everything, the war against Voldemort is steadily becoming worse. We are loosing, Sirius, and it's nothing I can do to stop it. Somehow, in my heart, I'm convinced that you would have known what to do. You and James always knew what to do when we got into a real mess; I just did what you both told me to. Now, I have to figure everything out on my own, and it scares me.

_And when you need me,_

I truly hope that I will be able to let you go. With everything that is happening, I can't afford to take any more time to grieve over my lost love. I just can't help myself; I keep hearing you, sometimes imagining seeing you right before me on the street, but you always disappear before I can get a closer look. I have to let you go before you drive me crazy. I have to be sane to fight this war.

Goodbye, my love. I hope you have found a better place to be, somewhere without locked doors and closed spaces. I hope you are wild and free, and very happy. I hope you remember me, because I will never forget you. I miss you, Padfoot.

_Just whisper my name in your heart,_

--Remus

_  
... I will be there._


End file.
